I did it.
I asked for help.
I had in fact already been to see a doctor a few weeks ago, but felt really let down by the experience. She was lovely and empathic to me, but her advice was to see my health visitor and that was pretty much the end of the consultation. There was no plan to see her again to see how things were going. I don’t know really what I had expected but still…
Anyway I did contact my health visitor who came out to see me the same day and we had a good chat about things, which did help, at least for the rest of that day anyway. She gave me some contact details for local mental health groups, which I have to confess I have yet to ring.
Last week I think I probably felt worse than ever, although interestingly I think I managed to function a bit better and be mildly more productive. Previously when Hayden has been at nursery and perhaps Austin is playing or sleeping (rarely!) I have relished the time to myself to sit and have a cup of tea. But last week I felt worse when Hayden wasn’t here. It was as if even though I feel low, when I’m looking after both of them I have limited time and head space to think about how I feel. But when I am left alone with my thoughts it’s pretty bleak.
So I made a decision to ring the doctors on friday afternoon, and surprisingly they had a cancellation for later in the day. I agreed to this even though a large part of me didn’t want to go or talk to anyone but Hayden was at nursery so it was a good time to go, I had to go within the hour so less chance of me backing out. To make doubly sure I wouldn’t back out, I rang Mike to tell him. This may seem silly, but I know myself, and I know that my instinct is to run when I don’t want to do something.
BUT I’m really glad I went.
The doctor I saw was not someone I had seen before, but she was lovely. I just sat down and she just let me talk and cry. She asked a few questions but mostly I talked. I must have been in with her for over 30 minutes but she never once hinted that Id had my time. She gave me a prescription for Sertraline, an antidepressant, and suggested that this way I could collect from pharmacy if and when I felt I needed something but it was completely up to me. She has also suggested I have a few blood tests to rule out any other physical cause of my low mood e.g. thyroid problems. I am booked into see her again in a few weeks time to see how everything is going.
Maybe it all was the crying, maybe it was that she had given me a prescription or maybe the fact that she was going to see me again but I left the surgery feeling hopeful. Hopeful that I wouldn’t always feel this way….