I wasn’t sure about publishing this post as I was writing it. But I decided that despite it being an uncomfortable subject, it’s important to talk and if people don’t want to read it they don’t have to, it’s their choice. Asking myself the question am I depressed, has helped me feel a bit better just writing about it so really that’s all that matters. I apologise if it’s quite a waffly read too, I just wrote thoughts and feelings down as they came to me.
I have been very lucky in my life and unlike several close family and friends I haven’t suffered from depression. I like everyone have had days or weeks where I feel a bit low but I have always been able to snap myself out of my slump quickly enough.
But not this time seemingly, I’ve not been feeling quite myself for a while. The change has been quite insidious starting since having Austin.
Am I depressed?
I suppose I just don’t feel like myself. I am flat. I feel like a faded out version of myself. Going through the motions but not taking anything from them, I’m just on autopilot.
Life at the moment feels like a never ending carousel that I’m not enjoying and I just want to get off for a while but I can’t obviously.
And I cry… a lot. I cry several times a day, sometimes for seemingly no reason at all.
Even though I can now see that something is not right and I’m not coping that well I am loathed to label this as depression.
I don’t know really, lots of reasons I guess.
I feel like it’s my fault somehow.
I’ve always been well mentally and don’t want that to have changed.
I don’t want a label.
I don’t want people to worry about me.
I don’t want to take medication.
They say doctors make the worst patients and I think this is probably true. It’s hard to admit you may (you see even now I’m not committing and saying ‘may’) be unwell.
I just feel so sad and the guilt is overwhelming.
I feel guilty for not enjoying this time in the boy’s life knowing that it goes so quickly and I will never get it back.
I feel guilty that I no energy or inclination to play with Hayden for any length of time.
I feel guilty for being crap company and a rubbish wife to Mike when he’s home.
I feel guilty for not keeping the house clean and tidy.
And yet despite all this guilt, it doesn’t make me change anything or become self-motivated like I feel it should. Quite the opposite in fact, in renders me paralysed.
I wasn’t ready to publish this initially because it means acknowledging there’s a problem something which I hate doing. And because I know that I will have lots of messages of support which is amazing but then I feel like there is added pressure to get better and be ok again. When people ask you how are? They will probably understand if you said how crap you felt one time but they would expect to see an improvement over time. But what if there isn’t one? What if I feel like this forever?
I dread waking up and having to start the day in the morning. I long for the evening where Mike is around to help.
It’s a Vicious cycle of feeling low making you feel tired with no energy, leading to doing less and less, leading to feeling more stressed and overwhelmed, which in turn makes you feel more depressed.
Even when I try and force myself to be productive, it seems to backfire. Any little thing that goes wrong feels like a tidal wave knocking me out, letting it engulf and overwhelm me. My reactions to situations are completely disproportionate. Objectively I know this but I can’t seem to control it either.
I want to do something to make myself feel better and yet I don’t do anything I am frozen and incapable. My thought processes are foggy and slow. I can’t seem to help Negative thoughts creeping in.
I never have any thoughts of hurting myself but I have had occasional thoughts about just running away from it all and being on my own for a while. Which I would never do despite thinking about it, I would miss Hayden and Austin too much. My future happiness is intrinsically tied up with the boys and yet looking after them is the main stressor in my life.
I have of course also experienced some really lovely moments with both Hayden and Austin, and as a family over the past few months. It just my happiness from them is not sustained. I love them both so much but just can’t seem to enjoy them all the time as I feel I should.
I am also aware though that having 2 children under the age of 2 was always going to be hard and I know that everyone finds it difficult, but at what point do normal ups and downs with children become something more, something that isn’t just going to change by itself? I really don’t know. Do you?
I think I give a good outward impression of coping really well, lots of my friends say to me “you’re amazing, I don’t know how you’re doing it?” Supportive yes, but typically instead of seeing it for the compliment it is I just think it’s all just a facade, I’m not amazing not even close. If only they knew.
It’s hard to say to people in person, friends and family the truth, that I’m really struggling. Perhaps subconsciously that’s I have written this post, as a way of reaching out. Embarrassment as I said earlier yes but also because it’s awkward and I feel guilty for putting something difficult to them, that they and you know, they can do very little about to help. I then feel guilty for other people’s feelings of helplessness, sadness and responsibility they then will feel towards me.
So after writing this all down, am I depressed?
If I’m honest yes I think I probably am, it’s doesn’t feel like Baby blues or just a blip, despite me wanting it to be. I suppose largely though this is irrelevant, the relevant question now is what I’m going to do about it?