Less than a week to go and I will be returning to work. Arhhh!!
Where has the past year gone!
I have had the best part of the last 2 years on maternity leave and to say I’m feeling anxious about returning to work it doesn’t cover it really. It was never an aspect that I had ever considered pre-baby, in fact I always pretty naively thought I would be excited to return to work.
But I have very mixed feelings about it all at the moment. The predominant one being anxiety.
I am worried I won’t remember everything or anything. I know that its normal and understandable to worry about this, but it does seem almost inevitable that there are going to be some gaps in my knowledge after 2 years.
I am going to miss the boys so much. I did go back to work for 4 months after Hayden but as I was already pregnant with Austin it wasn’t for long. I think that difference in mindset knowing when I returned last time it was only for a specific period and then i could be back at home with Hayden again made it much easier to return. This time however, I am going back for the foreseeable future.
It is the end of an era of spending all (or most anyway) of my time with the boys. As most people who know me will know, I’ve never really been very good with change.
It will be good to exercise my brain again, especially as I struggled to form a half decent argument about evolution to a Jehovah’s witness that rocked up at my door the other day! Not great for an atheist hey!
Not to mention will be great being able to eat without someone stealing my food and go to the toilet by myself.
Deep down, I have mixed feelings about whether I even want to return to work, though for financial reasons not returning isn’t really an option. But admittedly my thoughts and feelings have been so all over the place recently, I’m not even sure where my true feelings lie anymore.
Before I had children I never dreamt about not going back, and felt that there was no way I would ever even want to consider it. But having children fundamentally and equically changes you I think, and for some people that change means you view your previous career differently.
I’m going back part time, 3 days a week plus a few on-calls so will still get a couple of days just me and the boys. I know it’s really unfair as Mike doesn’t get any days just him and the boys and probably always hears me complaining about how hard it is? But it’s so lovely too and such a precious time. As my mother in law says they are not little for long, and soon enough they will be in school and then you see them that much less than.
I can’t bring myself to think about the things I am likely to miss, Austin taking his first steps and Hayden talking more because when I do I tend to cry, A LOT!
I wish I could pause work for a couple of years until they are a bit older and then go back, so I would get to be with them now but without giving up my career necessarily, which I think I would want when they are older.
Hayden is going to carry on at nursery for a day and half, and Austin is going to start and do the same, and my mum is kindly coming up to look after the boys the other day and half. Hayden is already settled at nursery which is great, and both the boys will love spending time with their grandma too.
I think Austin is really going to like Nursery, as he always likes being around lots of other people and children. It’s nice to know they are there together although in separate rooms.
I feel very guilty for Austin going back to work, more than Hayden in some ways as I feel like I was so emotional distant from him for so long and it’s only recently that I have really properly bonded with him, I feel that the postnatal depression has cheated us both out of that precious time together and we will never get it back.
One of the triggers for my depression and anxiety is feeling overwhelmed, though notoriously and unhelpfully I am also a person who likes to be busy! Go figure. I often struggle at the moment with getting everything done and I honestly can’t imagine how I can continue to do the same plus work and revision/portfolio work in the evenings. This aspect is definitely making my anxiety about returning to work so much worse I think, rather than necessarily the actual work itself.
I suspect that the prospect of subject is worse that it actually happening. Everyone keeps telling me that once I get back into the swing of it, I will be fine and really enjoy it. I hope this is true, but there is only one way to find out.
In the meantime I am going to try my best not to think about it too much and just enjoy this last week being at home with the boys!
I will let you know how it goes!