I miss me.
I miss going to bed and falling straight asleep
I miss being able to do something for myself and not feeling guility about it, just being able to enjoy it.
I miss being an optimistic person, who is always smiling
I miss any patience I used to have
I miss my self confidence
I miss being able to concentrate
The old me, seems like a different person, a distant memory. There are flashes of her that appear and fleeting moments where I feel like her, but mostly I’m not.
I feel like Poor Austin doesn’t even know me, and hayden may well be forgetting.
When you see me and talk to me, even if you knew me before you might not notice. I am pretty good at putting on the persona that i used to be so naturally (my A in GSCE drama coming in handy). But if you listen closely enough and with me long enough, you will see my smile doesn’t extend quite as far as it used to, and disappears as quickly as it came. There is no light behind my eyes, the sparkle and steely determination that I once saw when I looked in the mirror is gone, replaced by a sad pale face with dull eyes.
I am not asking people to feel sorry for me. In so many ways being the type A personality I am I Still feel like its my fault I feel like this,and i just need to dig deep enough to pull myself out of it, crack on and be happy. At least in the past thats what always worked for me when feeling a bit low.
But my resilience is gone seemingly, everytime I try to out my can do attitude on and crack on, something inevitably although often objectively trivial will completely derail me and send me spinning off into another downward spiral of despair and sadness. And so this seemingly perpetual cycle continues.
I am at a loss at the moment, I want to feel like me again, to be a mum that the boys can rely on and be proud of, a wife that is present and loving but I don’t know how. This is what scares me the most. That I will never get there, that I will always feel like this.
And if I can’t get there then is there a point in anything? Am I as I am now more harmful than good to the boys and Mike? I don’t know.
Bit of a ramble, sorry. Basically I miss who I used to me, the old Lisa and just wish I knew how to get back to being her.
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